How to be House yourself…
By fred | July 8, 2008
It’s summer time, and all the big shows are gone, with them all the characters you loved to meet back every week. But before you go into depression while still waiting for Psych to premiere next week, here’s a little something to cheer you up!
You know Gregory House ? The great and always-cranky doctor addicted to Vicodin ? You miss him ? Well, here’s a great little guide to pay House yourself and impress everyone next time someone just falls over without any apparent reason, courtesy of Guardian.co.uk…
Don’t worry, it’s not illegal to just read it, and it’s pretty hilarious - especially if you love the show :
1. You and your neighbour are having a cup of coffee. Suddenly, her head starts throbbing and blood starts dribbling from her ear. You act instantly. And put on Teardrop by Massive Attack.
2. Cover your chin with moss-like facial hair - the type that never grows into an actual beard, like Alan Sugar’s. Adopt a grouchy American accent and affect a limp, alternating between your left and right leg, growling: “Eat your heart out, Stephen Fry.”
3. Call the kids down and start brainstorming. Your neighbour is now frothing at the mouth and flying round the kitchen like the girl in The Exorcist. Make a cynical, sexist quip about PMT and prescribe paracetamol.
4. To look for “clues”, break into your neighbour’s house, which - conveniently - is empty, without anyone calling the police. Tell the kids to do a CT scan, an MRI, an ECG, a BCG, an IVF, a PNC, an M&M, an IRA and an FAB.
5. Reel off a mind-boggling array of terrifying diseases that no one has ever heard of. Focus on tropical parasites, tapeworms (in the brain), and, traditionally, lupus. Randomly start treatments. When her condition worsens, conclude that she didn’t have those after all.
7. Become ostentatiously offensive, admire patient’s cleavage and refer to her as “coma girl”. Urgently prescribe Vicodin painkillers. Not for her; for you.
8. Perform random acts of surgery that take the patient progressively closer to death - a fact underlined by a soppy song by Alanis Morissette.
9. Give yourself Electric Shock Treatment and a heart attack in order to diagnose the answer: an extreme allergic reaction. To Kenco.
