AMPTP vs AMPTP
By fred | December 11, 2007
Here’s another funny thing that comes out of this messy situation, and once again such creativity doesn’t come from the ugly side, go figure. So, there you go :
The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, AMPTP, has it official website at http://www.amptp.org but someone just bought http://www.amptp.com and turned it into some hilarious spoof of the AMPTP’s official site. It looks much like the original, down to the unoriginal logo, and it’s filled with lots of hilarious things. Here’s a few of them, to give you an idea :
ABOUT THE AMPTP
Since 1982, The Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers (AMPTP) has established exciting legal gray areas and tested the limits of the federal labor statute to minimize the compensation, rights and working conditions of industry-wide unions.
The current President of the AMPTP is J. Nicholas Counter III. For almost fifteen years, Nick Counter was a member of the Backstreet Boys, one of the biggest-selling teen pop bands in history.
FAQ
What is this disagreement you have with the Writers Guild of America? It boils down to a difference of opinion. They want us to pay them for their work, which would literally[1] bankrupt Hollywood and prevent us from creating these movies and television shows. We, on the other hand, want to keep making movies and television shows, so that people can be happy, and violent crime will fall.
Why does the WGA hate freedom and democracy so much? It’s unclear. Big corporations have given the world electricity, affordable cornmeal, and “Two and a Half Men.” What have unions ever given us? Answer: Communism and a disgustingly high minimum wage.
Hang on. I just looked at their demands and they seem kind of reasonable. Why don’t you just pay them? Reasonable? They are asking for an amount of money that would literally[2] bankrupt all six major studios and weaken our national defense! What kind of question is that? Who are you?
[1] Not literally
[2] Not literally
DID YOU KNOW ?
- “Writer” comes from the Latin ritem, meaning “unhygienic and doughy.”
- In television, some 85 - 90% of series fail before they can be syndicated, and many of them fail before the very first act break.
- In 2006, the average MPAA film cost over $100 million, most of it spent on writing. (We believe “writing” encompasses acting, visual effects, marketing and whatever gaffers do.)
- There is no such thing as supplemental or ancillary or secondary market any longer and hasn’t been for years. There is also no such thing as Bigfoot or a “female orgasm.”
BREAKING NEWS
We are heartbroken to report that despite our best efforts, including sending them a muffin basket, making them a mix CD, and standing outside their window with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel songs, our talks with the WGA have broken down. Quite frankly, we’re puzzled as to why this happened. We talked about it all the way home – after we walked into their hotel room, slapped our list of demands on the table and abruptly left the negotiating session – and none of us could figure out what went wrong.
While we’re not going to point fingers or assign blame, we do feel justified in saying that they are entirely at fault. The AMPTP has successfully concluded 306 major agreeements with unions since its founding in 1982, and there has never been an incident like this. Except for that writers’ strike in 1985. And the directors’ strike in 1987. And that other writers’ strike in 1988. Aside from three isolated incidents, however, this strike is completely without precedent.
And we have proved, over the last five months, that we want writers to participate in producers’ revenues. Mostly by repeatedly saying, “we want writers to participate in producers’ revenues.” Still, we must be clear: Under no circumstances will we knowingly participate in the destruction of this business. If we destroy this business, it will only be through accident and incompetence – that’s the AMPTP Pledge®!
While the WGA’s members can clearly stage rallies, concerts and mock exorcisms, maintain unity in a large and diverse workforce, gain the support of a majority of the general public, prompt a sharp dip in our stock prices, derail half a dozen major movies and force us to refund advertisers’ money after they learn that they’ll be getting “American Gladiators” instead of “Chuck,” we question their ability to get things done. It is now absolutely clear that the WGA’s organazis are determined to advance their own personal ideologies, political agendas, sexual preferences, barbaric tribal customs, canine wardrobe choices, religious beliefs and blood rituals upon working writers and other working persons who depend on our work industry for their work.
Instead of negotiating, the WGA organizateurs have made demands, then expected us to counter with our demands, and for them to adjust their demands, and for us to do likewise, until we reach a mutually acceptable resolution in some sort of “give-and-take” process. Needless to say, we consider this to be a roadblock to progress (of both boldface and italic proportions). Thus, we have asked that they withdraw these demands:
- They demand full control over reality and animation programming, despite the fact that neither genre requires any writing at all. It is, after all, a well-documented fact that “Flavor of Love” is a Frederick Wiseman documentary about a man who happens to be choosing a bride from among 20 whores, and that “Family Guy” is entirely improvised by a cast of extremely precocious illustrations.
- The WGA is demanding the right to join in strikes of other labor organizations. This is simply unacceptable, as we plan on gutting the contracts of many other unions in the upcoming year.
- Their proposal for Internet compensation could doom the Internet media business before it ever gets started. (Projected start date: October 4, 2012.) We have already offered the writers a very generous $250 per episode for using their work on the Internet. Sure, $250 may not sound like much, but it adds up – a whole season of “Heroes” would cost NBC.com nearly $6,000! Who’s going to pay that money? Go look at at the “Heroes” web site – unless you count Nissan, Cisco, Sprint, and American Express, nobody’s willing to step up and advertise on such a risky and unproven medium. And who knows how much longer those fly-by-night operations will be around? (I mean, have you seen the Nissan Rogue? It looks like a Pontiac Aztek fucked a PT Cruiser, am I right?)
- The writers are demanding that, when we sell content within our own companies, we have a neutral third party ensure that we aren’t deflating the price in order to cheat them out of their share. This lack of trust hurts, quite frankly, especially after all we’ve done for writers over the years. I mean, we’ve stuck with them through thick and thin – even going so far as to bankroll their unprofitable vanity projects, like Forrest Gump, Lord of the Rings, and My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
The fact of the matter is, we’re going to win this thing. We’ve got enough material to wait out the strike. On the feature side, we’ve got great scripts ready to shoot. How do we know they’re great? Because they were already hits! Get ready for “Talladega Nights” starring Dane Cook! Wait until you see “Titanic” with Keira Knightley and Zac Efron! And on the TV side, we’ve got enough reality shows to choke a horse. Literally – one of the shows is “Can You Choke This Horse?” And for the fall, we’re already working on “Can You Choke This Horse With the Stars?” (Pepsi, you want a logo on the horse? Consider it done.)
We look forward to hearing from the WGA. Once they’ve unilaterally dropped the majority of their demands and acceded to our wishes, we look forward to having a full and frank exchange of ideas with them.
